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Monday, June 6, 2011

The Demons... (Part 1)

The last couple of weeks have been hectic, to say the least, for me. I've been in mostly total isolation for over three years, socialization and contact besides work and family has been minimal. In those years I've developed a downwards ramp of emotions and things, that have gotten me in a place that I am currently in. I've only realized this last night, when I had a drink with a friend and sat down and talked about the situation I am currently in.

The situation is dire.

I've hurt the person I love the most, and I've hurt her bad. I did unspeakable things, which include manipulation, blackmail, control and recklessness. I was not like that. Not by a long shot.

My demons have come out and my closet is full. I can't control them, not yet, but I am trying. The thing is, it's so hard to feel and, in the same time, push those feelings away.

I can't clean out my closet yet, I can't look under the bed. The monsters are there, still. I am searching for the answers I need, I am searching high and low, near and far. I am searching for a solution, for the ultimate solution, that will solve all this and make it all go away.

But it is hard. It's hard to have so many conflicts inside yourself, so many fights you have to carry out with oneself, that it's beginning to get tiring. It's hard to see a glimpse of a smile, a glimpse of anything, and not be conflicted and not think about everything that you've done wrong.

If He exists, Someone up there knows I've done many wrongs. And that Someone may or may not forgive me. But that is not whom I seek forgiveness from. I seek an answer, which can only be gotten if I ask the right question. Which leaves me asking the wrong questions over and over again. And I only keep getting the wrong answers, which eventually steer me into the wrong direction.

I was not like this.

I was better, I was higher, I was myself.

Now I am a self-destructive, catastrophe-driven, mechanized, manic-depressive shell of my former self.

Now tell me, how to repair the damage of almost four years of inner silence has done.

How to close the gaps? How to fill the holes? How to get back to my former self?

I'm in love and I can't let go. I've done despicable things to the person I love, all because I'm like this now.

I want to be better, but I don't know the question to which I need the answer to.

Maybe it's better this way, maybe we both needed a break, we both needed a moment to breathe, but the air isn't the same without her by my side. Why do I keep staring into the emptiness thinking that she's the one? Why would I think this? Why does my every action push her away? How can I change? How can I change this? How can I change the future?

Destiny has reunited us after eight years of silence. And I don't believe in destiny. I've met her before, indirectly, and then she disappeared. Then, after much time has passed, I've met her again. This time it was for real. This time it was much more than anything I could ever imagine I'd feel. I never wanted to hurt the person I care for the most. But, alas, I did.

She's everything for me. She's the air I breathe. She's the wind passing through the trees. She's the rain, she's like the sun that lights up the morning sky.

Is she the one?

I keep on staring and keep on looking, and I can't make sense of it: if she's the one, how could I have been so blind to mess everything up the way I did? If she's the one, how could I hurt her the way I did, manipulate and blackmail her the way I did? Details don't count. Only thing that counts is that I made many mistakes, and given the chance, I would probably repeat them. It's that thought that drives me crazy, and the fact that bits and pieces of things that happened elude me, my memory was black. And I can't remember some details, and it's killing me slowly.

I have to start this fight, I have to end it, I have to kill my demons, I have to clean out my closet and find the inner peace and calmness that I seek. Only then I will be able to do right by her side, eventually earning her forgiveness. That's all I seek at the moment, forgiveness. And it pains me how much is that forgiveness to ask for.

Everything I stand for and everything I am has been altered. I need to stop and find all the answers I need, and that's not gonna be easy.

But I am thankful, though, for the help I am getting from friends. I am thankful that, in my darkest hour, they stood by me and tried to help. I am thankful that, even though they disagreed with what I did, they never left my sight and stood by me, through good and bad.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that I have such amazing people to call friends, and that I can rely on them for help, whenever the moment or the hour.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that I found out what was wrong and what needs to be fixed.

I am thankful.

I am thankful I fell in love with such a wonderful person, whom just takes my breath away every time I see her.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that I earned her friendship and trust, but I was too blind to see it.

I am thankful.

I am thankful if she will give me another chance, and if I could earn forgiveness.

The rationalization of everything here has taken me a lot of time, and I was a fool for being blind. I must start with myself, clear out my head, clear everything out, step by step, and try to get better.

But that's a long and tedious process, and it will take a lot of time. Until then, I will continue to be thankful, thankful for everything that I have, thankful for the feelings I have, even though they're not reciprocated, I am thankful for her, and for everything.

My demons will not go away easily, as expected, but they MUST go, else I risk losing everything, including everything I've tried to build over the past couple of months. And that's not a risk I am willing to take.

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