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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Demons (Part Deux)

Another day has passed since I've poured my heart out onto this blog. So many questions have been asked, yet so little answers are here. Everything I stand - or stood - for, has been challenged. Everything I ever wanted was for things to be ok. But, as I said, my inner demons won't let that happen. Not yet.

I was on the virge of making another mistake today. It's not important what the mistake was, what is important is that I realized it in time and stopped it from happening. Even though it may have already been to late when I stopped it, it was not. And the world - my world - was a better place, for a minute.

The main thing is that I need to repel these urges to act wrecklessly, and I need to learn to think before acting. This process can prove difficult, since I always shot first, and asked questions later. But the good outweighs the bad. Thinking before doing, even for a little moment, could really tilt the odds in my favor. And I am not talking about the love of my life here. I am talking about life in general, about interactions and socialization. Every action has a repercussion, and, as the seriousness of the action grows upwards, the repercussions create a ripple effect, having repercussions of their own. Not thinking and just acting creates the biggest disasters, with the biggest ripples. Looking back at the weekend that just passed, I realize now what a major fool I've been and what repercussions my actions have had. I have done despicable things, acting in the moment and then, after the damage was done, thinking it through. Believe me, even though I still do not know all the specifics, what I did was a disaster, a catastrophe. Now I have to live with the consequences, and, eventually, if possible, repair the damage that was done. But this will be a hard, difficult, if not impossible task.

But I must have patience, since time will help fix everything. Time is what I have, plenty of. Patience is what I am lacking. And the lack of patience is interconnected with my quick actions without much thought. Here's a chapter I must work on as well.

I really wasn't a patient person. Ever. Since I know myself, I almost always acted on the moment, and waiting has been ever so hard for me. I lost many things because of this, but I always got up, I always looked forward and continued on with my journey. Now, one of the key things I must learn to have is patience. One of the most unachievable things for me has become a priority, which I need to master, in order to achieve something. And, believe it or not, that something is not a prize, not a medal or a trophy, but the most important thing to me. When, or more importantly, if I ever win, I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet. But until then, I must work hard to achieve my goals.

And my goal is not the most important thing to me, it's not the reciprocation of my own feelings towards someone, but my own control and being a better person.

I know I have to work hard to achieve my goals, and it's much more difficult when having to repair the mistakes of the past is an active and pressing issue as well, but, I think that the two go fine together. I believe that by learning to master patience, understanding, self control, amongst others, some mistakes that I've made could be eventually corrected, and I may be forgiven.

But these are just a few of my issues, of my concerns. Hours and hours of brainstorming and trying to fill the gaps have yet to produce the required answers or the right questions. There is much more left to discover, many questions to be asked, and many answers to be uncovered.

Until then, I bid myself farewell, and, if anything, I'll keep on hoping for a better day, which has yet to come.

To be continued...

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