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Saturday, September 1, 2012

About life, love, and happiness...

While getting bored at work, I decided to get my phone and write a blog entry today... About what love means for me, personally, and what it means to other people around me...

Let me start off by saying that I was always a difficult person to be around, always the drama king, always seeing the empty half of the glass. It has its upsides and downsides. It has helped me in the past and in the present, but it also hurt me some. It's easy to make mistakes if you're always too optimistic. I'm not saying it's bad to make them, but it's easy to make them. On the other hand, if you're always prepared and expecting the worst possible outcome of a situation, you mostly tread carefully, watching your every step. Of course, the downside might be that, 1) If something bad happens like you've expected it to, you don't feel something good or 2) you get depressed. The upside is that if something that should've gone wrong goes swell, everything is fine and dandy, you're surprised and your spirits get up.

But what about love and relationships? As I said, I for one am a complicated and difficult person to be with. Even so, some people took a chance with me and more times than one it ended up being a total disaster. Who was to blame? Everybody. I've realized that I've made mistakes, but those mistakes were amplified tenfold when the persons next to me started lying, hiding, and drifting away. They were amplified tenfold when people from outside started interfering with my relationships and started pushing the people I cared for away from me, by using small steps combined with psychology, together with manipulation. And when I see that some persons in my past relationships (and who the fuck knows, maybe future ones) tend to be so damn naive, I explode. And that wasn't good. 12 years of explosions aren't good for anyone. Especially for me, because I'm a special little snowflake.

But how could I recover? How could I forget? Simplest of answers: drinking. Everything was easier to handle when drunk. I forgot what I was mad about in the first place, let myself go, and had at it. The world changed colours. The people became interesting again. Everything was going swell. Until I hit a brick wall, and somehow, every time someone managed to break down my 'high', and get me raging. And me, drunk, raging, is not a good combination. I get blacked out and do stuff I can't remember, and even I don't believe when told.

That's what I've become. That's what people whom were the center of my universe and took me for granted made me become. I've become a shadow, a husk, of my former self. And there's no coming back from that... Not for me. I can't lose these demons that are inside of me, raging, screaming, forcing their way out.

But I also can't be the kind of person who tells someone "I love you" today, and a week later tells the exact same thing to someone else. Love can't "change" or "erupt" so suddenly. Chemistry can. Love takes time, it needs to mature, it needs to grow and flourish into its glory and splendor from the bottom of the foodchain. It doesn't erupt suddenly. That's something else entirely. And the persons who can 'redirect' that expression to two or more people in two weeks' time, have no idea on earth what true love is. They may want to know what it is, they may need it, but, actually, they can be so shallow, that they are in love with the idea of love, and, until they don't change their ways, until they don't fully let go, they will always lack that 'special little something' that needs to be there for true love to exist.

I'm grateful that I've been in love, and that I managed to truly love, more times than once in my life. The experience and the feeling you have when you love someone, as much as you can, with all your heart, 'truly, madly, deeply', beats the shit out of the suffering and pain that eventually comes afterwards. Take my word for it. Even if you're afraid, you shouldn't be afraid to give yourself a chance to be happy. When and if you lose someone, dust yourself off, give yourself some time, see where you've gone wrong and where your other 'half' did, analyze everything in depth, and, after you've learned from your mistakes, move on, get up, and go out there again. It's a fucked up world we live in these days, and, mostly, feelings are dead in most people you meet. But every now and then, maybe fate will smile down on you and you'll meet your next 'special little someone' who will turn your world upside down. It took me almost 5 years to dust myself off after the last trainwreck of a relationship ended. This time, I don't know how long it will take. But I am certain that, when I am ready, I will do what I always do: get up, stop feeling sad, and be awesome instead.

- David aka. Tassadar over and out.

1 comment:

  1. Well, let's say I know how it goes with "I still love you" and the next week you get an email "you know i met someone and she is so awesome. she's got a car and an apartment . i think i love her". yeah, you surely love her money, I agree wt that.
    I am sick of ppl poking their noses in other relationships. been there, suffered from that. the hell wt all of them. if that's what he agreed with, he could live wt his friends, not me. right?
    It took me abt a year to dust off and try again after the trainwreck that was my former marriage. sure, it ended per se before the divorce and although i wasn't prepared I knew it would end like that. call it a hunch. and finding out he cheated on me. had proofs, of course.
    do i still hate him? or her? neah, i just feel pity for both of them
    I am happy and plan to stay this way :)

    As for you, dust off, quit drinking, see the glass a bit fuller :)